24 years old and what else is new.

When the fuck did I get to 24 years old? No, seriously. Time's not meant to go this fast. And I guess it's only natural to start feeling minor pangs of panic regarding my life and the path I'm taking. You know, same old shit that people go through each birthday from age 20 to like 29. These days, extend that to 35. What else is new.

I'm just about halfway there. Can't wait.

"Panic" is probably too exaggerated of a word. I guess "doubt" is more appropriate. I am not panicked about where I'm going, but I am all of a sudden no longer sure that going to law school will make me the happiest camper I can be. Not to say that I no longer want to go, but there is suddenly a undeniable voice in my brain repeatedly questioning my motives. I knew for a good, long while why I wanted to apply for law school. I loved my law concentration, particularly the materials in Constitutional law. I loved the arguments, the human elements, the application of theories, the palpable substance that seemed to resonate in everything I read, heard and argued for. It meant something solid, it felt like something I should be striving towards. I was 99% sure that this was for me. That 1% is because I don't ever like to say I'm 100% sure about future plans.


The realization that Constitutional law is too limited (by national jurisdiction and often, pay) brought me to reconsider my options. I was and still am a travel bug who cringes at the thought of immobility. In comes London, UBS, and the potential of doing compliance in a business setting. Along with the experience came horror, violent episodes of boredom and a strong distaste for investment banks. Potential job at Google. Enters the thought of cyber law, and tech law in general. Here's something that is internationally relevant (and increasingly so) and not easily defined by national territory. Now that I am working at Google and have seen a lot of the action up close, I've become increasing attracted to the idea of being an in-house advisor to tech companies, moreso than litigating, which was what first attracted me to the idea of law.

So what's changed?
Hm.

I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure the following play a fairly considerable role:

1) Entrepeneurial roommates
Stanford grads. Always talking new opportunities. Business. Start ups. Independence. Self-fueled projects. Discovering new talents. Networking.
The biggest "project" I've going on right now is getting into Bikram yoga, building my run to 6 miles, and balancing work with class. The Roommates make me feel like I could be doing something more with my life than submitting to a pre-existing system that annually pumps out lawyers at an astonishing rate. Am I not living to my potential? Could I really be doing something food-related (corn salsa guru) or music-related and just simply haven't ventured out?




2) Age
Whoever says that you can always live your 20's is full of shit. You can live your 20's when you're in your 20's, and no other way will ever be how it's meant to be. Once I submit to law school (yes, submit), the debt starts mounting, the stress begins growing, and the inflexibility creeps in and settles. Maybe I'm not ready for all that. Maybe I need to fully live out my 20's, flaunt my shit, have my cake and eat it too, then enter this lock-down. Hustle, play, live a little. Law school is something I can always do. Everything else? Not so much.

Pretty sure life/pizza isn't going to be this enjoyable later down the road.

3) The goddamn LSAT
I'm not stressed about the test. I've come to accept it as a strategic challenge. A matter of discipline. A battle of the mind against this monster institution that's set out to destroy me and every other person in my position. I really don't care to talk to anyone in class, make friends, or get all fucking insane about the process. I'm in, out, getting it done. I want it isolated from the rest of my life as much as possible. But still, I fucking hate the fact that I have to take it. I'm so over (standardized) tests. I'm so over studying for the sake of studying and not for the material. And I also don't enjoy having to go to 4-hour classes after a 8-9 hour workday. My general aversion towards this test is probably spilling over and clouding the ultimate reason of why I'm taking it in the first place.



So there it is. 1, 2, 3. All bitching aside, I don't really think I'm all that doubtful. I think I'm just afraid I'm going to be missing out on something great once I submit. Maybe it's just a matter of timing, and being ready. Maybe I'm still not ready. Maybe I need to wait it out. Defer. Something.

And maybe that's okay.

?