Let's do this, again.

Writing, that is.

Lately I've found myself preferring to sit in silence, to watch the thoughts dance around in my head on mute.

I used to find so much comfort in music. All the Lauryn Hill, Sage Francis and Common that boosted me through all the heartbreaks and rough patches. Not to say that music hasn't done anything for me lately, or that I haven't listened to a song and felt something stir.

I just.. want everything to be quiet, more so than ever. And maybe, considering that I've gone through the most tumultuous time of my life to date, that's... normal. Maybe it's my way of slowing time down. Enough of trying to find clarity, closure or comfort from someone else's communications. I need to start rebuilding from the inside. I need to hear myself.

I think I've also become more comfortable and accustomed to being alone. I used to hate being alone -- constantly surrounded myself with friends, talking on the phone, chatting online, seeking people to be with. I couldn't stay single for long, either. I just really fucking loved company. I also did almost everything with an ipod in tow. Now, I crave for lone bike rides, coffee breaks, walks or simply lying in bed by myself, listening to the street noise or staring over the neighboring rooftops from my backdoor. All this, in silence.
I think that alone speaks for how things have really changed in terms of where I am in my life. I feel a lot more grounded. There's not that sense of constant want and seeming insatiability that constantly nipped at me in my early 20's. I've got a fairly good grip on myself. My relationship with my family has gotten substantially stronger. And, well, I kind of love San Francisco and am seeing no reason to flee. The travel bug bites, as it always does, but there is a solid idea of 'home,' and things don't feel so transient anymore.

I guess I haven't written much because I haven't been able to speak much of what's been going on in my head. One, because everything just felt so personal, so private, that it seemed almost violating to write. And two, because there was so much noise in my head that for a really long time, it just felt like a deafening, incoherent roar. Or maybe it was just silence. You know how certain loud, dramatic scenes in movies suddenly transition into silence, especially when some shit hits the fan in its most climatic stage? That's what a lot of shit has felt like in the past few months. And only recently has it all started to die down. I can hear the monotonous humdrum of the city again. I can hear myself again.

And so, now, I'm going to start putting some of this noise into words.

And here goes.