Cleansing.

So my conscious effort towards abstinence has evolved to encompass more than just the physical. Maybe that was the underlying idea all along, or maybe it's a natural progression -- snip one problem at the bud and all associated thorns will also gradually die. Maybe it wasn't so much the act of hooking up as it is all the baggage that may come with it, as it always is when it comes to me.

Sex fucks things up. Anything leading up to sex can also fuck things up.

I've known for some time that I have a tendency to associate myself with unnecessarily complicated people and situations. It wasn't that I didn't recognize them to be what they were -- I always know, pretty much from the start, but I was constantly willing to take them on as "challenges," forcing myself to believe that I could deal with anything and everything, seeing it as some type of test of character or resilience. I think it started when I was about 2+ years into my 3-year relationship. I got a little bored, a little restless. Then when I was newly single, I pushed my envelope further and further. The worst was when I spent my year in London, where I honestly think I did whatever the fuck I felt like with little to no control. The more emboldened I became from testing shallow waters, the more I threw myself into increasingly turbulent scenarios which I tried to convince myself that I could handle. Or that I didn't care. Some people have a problem with putting themselves out there, afraid of what might happen. I have a problem with not putting myself out there, fearful of what I might miss out on.

Pride and stubbornness have taken me very, very far -- far enough to the point of discomfort, to this recent point where I've sat myself down and said, "Enough with this shit and stop fucking around. Where has this shit taken you? Nowhere. You don't need to prove anything to anybody. Even yourself."

So I want to clarify that I'm not trying to be abstinent for the sake of being abstinent. If things come together right, if I can have the foresight to say that I really do want to be involved with someone, then anything goes. But having given myself that chance to be devoid of all and any potentially complicated relationships... I have come to accept that a simple, awesome and genuinely reciprocating relationship is going to take a long, long while to refine and build. That, I will have time for when it happens. What I don't have time for are all the people who, on the whole, add absolutely nothing substantive to my life. I know when you're going to be worth it, I know when you're not. I've always known. Friends and more-than-friends alike. The only difference now is that I actually act on it. Early.

This newly discovered clarity is kind of really fucking strange. All that restlessness and anxiety that I so often felt before has been replaced with a consistent, satisfying calmness. An intense focus on all things I want to develop, internally and externally. Probably also helps that I smoke and drink a hell lot less frequently and have upped the exercising and healthy eating... which makes my bad nights that much badder and that much more fun.

For the first time in a long, long time, I feel like I'm really treating myself well as a whole. And for the first time in a long time, I feel very whole. Yet this is the most single I've ever been.

And all it took... well. Yup. That's all it took.